Revision of "Rhetorical Analysis Paragraph of 'Girl Culture'"

Note: Stick girl is back.

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For the last post, I attempted to write my own rhetorical analysis paragraph on some pictures from Lauren Greenfield's photographic essay "Girl Culture." After studying my paragraph and a paragraph of similar topic from Joan Brumberg, who wrote on Greenfield's essay, I decided to add some alterations to my paragraph. Here is the new paragraph:

     The pictures presented by Lauren Greenfield reveal a disturbing fact in our society that has often been mistaken for cute naivety: that the young girls of our generation, allured by the beautiful models, both real and cartoonish, in magazines and in movies, have embraced an erotic disposition under the belief that the world sees a curvaceous body and a stunning face as the true symbols of femininity. Take, for instance, the photograph of a four to five-year-old girl, who, in what appears to be a princess-style makeover session, has posed in a seductive fashion with puckered lips and an arched lower back--things one might connect with the overly sexualized cartoon character Jessica Rabbit from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" However, the erotic embrace has not only wrapped around the young children, but also seized the teenagers as well, who have lived for well over a decade seeing and hearing of how the ideal woman should be. For four teenagers going to some type of social gathering, one girl, wishing to catch the attention of some boys, struck a pose not unlike the girl playing dress-up. With these two pictures, it becomes tragically clear that for today's society, outward beauty has overtaken inward beauty, and that the eyes have dominated over the heart.

I noticed something quite interesting when I wrote the revised paragraph above. In the previous post containing my original paragraph, I though that analysis was synthesizing observations: I took what I saw from the pictures, tied them together, and sprinkled my own viewpoints in between. However, after studying Brumberg's essay and my own paragraph, I realized that that was not the case. For analysis paragraphs, I did not necessarily need to spit out every single detail in the picture--the audience can do that very well on its own. I needed to draw out deeper meanings from those little details and present those meanings to the audience, only adding in details when they are necessary for clarity. For the clincher, I needed to take those smaller details and meanings from the pictures and use them to find the overarching purpose for the photographs. Using these tactics, I was able to make a paragraph that was more analytical than declarative.