Revised Paragraph

www.flickr.com

     As the class and I are approaching the final deadline for the QRG, we learned some new concepts to make our QRGs more refined. Among them were learning how to use active voice over passive voice, eliminating nominalization in our writing, and unifying the topic of a paragraph with the evidence supplied by making the subject of the sentences the topic. To demonstrate, here is a paragraph from my own QRG before adjustments:

     "The main problem with ridding BPA from society is found in BPA’s side effects--they are all hypothetical. All of the data that researchers have obtained from multiple experiments with many different varieties of organisms resulted in many inconsistencies: for example, one experiment gave a relatively high range of BPA exposure that would result in acquiring adverse symptoms (about 50-500 micrograms); however, as time progressed, reanalysis of the data showed that the symptoms appeared at even smaller intervals of exposure (about 10 micrograms), necessitating a reevaluation of the experiment. Another example is the rumor that if babies or young children were exposed to high concentrations of BPA, they would become asthmatic. This statement was quickly conflicted by a research revelation that displayed very little correlation between respiratory complications and BPA exposure; in fact, the correlation fluctuated immensely just by a difference of one year of aging. Even today, many leading researchers of BPA admit that more evidence and research need to be brought to pass in order to confirm the side effects and to fully condemn BPA as a harmful substance."


And here is the paragraph with adjustments:

     "BPA's side effects have proven to be the main problem with ridding the substance from society because they all are hypothetical. In almost every single experiment with many different varieties of organisms, the side effects brought about data with many inconsistencies: for example, during one experiment, they would appear at a relatively high range of BPA exposure (about 50-500 micrograms); however, as time progressed, the symptoms would manifest at even smaller intervals of exposure (about 10 micrograms), necessitating a reanalysis of the data. Another supposed side effect caused by BPA is asthma, caused, according to some doctors, by exposure to BPA during childhood. This supposed symptom was quickly conflicted by a research revelation that displayed very little correlation between respiratory complications and BPA exposure; in fact, the symptoms' correlation fluctuated immensely just by a difference of one year of aging. Even today, the symptoms have yet to be established as solid evidence to eradicate BPA as a harmful substance."


Do you think the first or the second one is better? Do you think the trick with coherence works well? Let me know what you guys think!